bittersweet.

A few days prior to the end of 2014, I sat down to write a recap of the year. It turned into a huge, bullet-pointed list of memories from what truly was one of the best years of my life. I graduated college with some of the best friendships I ever could ask for, I traveled with wonderful people, I moved to a new city and started a grown-up job, I adopted a cat, I began new friendships and learned a lot about myself. I have to give credit where credit is due: 2014 was, overall, an absolutely amazing year.

In Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston writes, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.” As beautiful as that statement is, I’m going to go ahead and say that it’s wrong. Are there any years that are exclusively for asking questions? Or any years exclusively for answering? I’m not trying to pick her statement apart—I’m just saying that, based on my personal experience, each year ends with its own set of answers in addition to its own endless list of questions, new and old. 

Up until about October, I would have called 2014 a year of answers. However, as it goes, life had a different plan. In mid-November the rug was pulled out from under me. And I was okay—for a little bit. But December came, and I subsequently entered what was one of the darkest times in my life. I am not exaggerating:  this was a brokenness unlike anything I had ever experienced. It turns out that in my attempts to piece myself back together following the events of November, I completely sabotaged my healing process. As a result, I closed out 2014 at eggshell status:  fragile, pretty hollow, and ready to crack at a moment’s notice. So, there it was--a huge question mark to place at the end of 2014.

As I told Emily, I have never been more relieved to finish the holidays and to move into a new year.  “Bittersweet” is the best word for this moment, I believe. Never have I felt the two extremes of the word so powerfully at once:  the bitterness—but also the sweetness—of unanswered questions. 

I have been waiting to publish this post because I couldn’t figure out what direction I wanted to take for the ending. It is my nature in writing to tie everything together, to end with the essay-style conclusion in which I make everything I’ve stated make sense. But this is what I am learning:  loose ends do not always tie up how and when we want them to. There is not always a smooth or obvious resolution; there is not always a way to make everything make sense. In some cases, there never will be—the ends will never be tied into a pretty little bow. Questions will remain without answers.

And, somehow, that has to be okay. 

for when emptiness and abundance are the same thing

Most people I talk to about Jesus Calling all have the same response: "OH MY GOSH...it knows my life completely and is perfect every.single.day!"  Personally, I have wondered if God rearranges the pages at night while I'm asleep to make it applicable to what I'm going through when I read it in the morning.  It is almost always 100% on point.  Except for one day about two weeks ago, that is.  I opened it up to the following words:

This is a time of abundance in your life.  Your cup runneth over with blessings.  After plodding uphill for many weeks, you are now traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine.  I want you to enjoy to the full this time of ease and refreshment.  I delight in providing it for you.

You see, I had just (as in just--like two days prior to this particular devotional) ended a relationship of two years.  "Abundance" was not a word that had been in my head, and I definitely would not have described that week in terms of "traipsing through lush meadows drenched in warm sunshine."  Like OK, that's nice and all, but I think my uphill plodding just started on Sunday and I'm definitely not through that phase yet.  HOWEVER, I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was looking at the situation entirely wrong.  Maybe this, I realized--this hole in my heart--is my abundance.  We get so caught up in this mindset in which "abundance" means having things.  I mean, I just looked up the word:

• a very large quantity of something: the tropical island boasts an abundance of wildlife.
• the quantity or amount of something, e.g., a chemical element or an animal or plant species, present in a particular area, volume, sample, etc.: estimates of abundance of harp seals | the relative abundances of carbon and nitrogen.
• the state or condition of having a copious quantity of something; plentifulness: vines and figs grew in abundance.
• plentifulness of the good things of life; prosperity: the growth of industry promised wealth and abundance.

The dictionary seems to completely support the concept that having an abundance and lacking something (or multiple things) are mutually exclusive.  But right now, I want to argue that that's not the case.  You see, I'm of the Ann Voskamp camp and believe--down to my very core--that all.is.grace.  All of it.  And typically, we define "grace" as God giving us something we have done absolutely nothing to earn.  So how do you connect that definition with the idea that every happening in life can be boiled down to grace--even the times when you feel like God is taking something away?

It requires a complete and total shift in mindset:  you have to realize that a gift is not always an addition.  Sometimes, you see, the gift is actually something being taken away.  You have to realize that just because you have a void where you used to have something or never had something or where others have something does not mean that you have less.  I saw a quote on Instagram the other day that said, "Sometimes God's blessings are not in what he gives, but in what he takes away.  He knows best.  Trust him."  I haven't been through too many horrible times in my mere 23 years of life but I can tell you that, so far, those words has been entirely true.  One of my favorite verses of the past few years is Malachi 3:10 -- "Test me in this and see if I don't open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams" (MSG).  I truly believe that in any situation--regardless of whether you have gained something or had something taken away--there is grace to be found.  Sometimes you just have to test God and trust him a little bit...and the blessings will far exceed anything you could have dreamed up yourself.

on finding love

As my pathetic, post-breakup self vented my frustrations to my dearest friend, lamenting the possibility of a love moving on to find another love, she said one of the most beautiful things I may have ever heard.  Of course he's going to try to move on and take his mind off things--and you're doing that too, she said, but you're finding love in different ways in your life--through people and experiences. And I think that's exactly what you need to be doing. 

For some reason, that concept had not occurred to me.  Of course, I know I love my friends.  I adore my family.  I am happy in my job and thrilled to be living in D.C.  I've spent amazing weekends in Charlottesville with some of the best friends I could ever ask for.  And I just returned from a weekend in Georgia with my family + my "chosen family"--an experience I'll never forget.  But I had never registered the fact that, in partaking in these experiences and building these relationships in my life, I was finding love.  That has traditionally been a term equated with finding a romantic relationship.  But--it doesn't have to be, and, now that I think about it, it most definitely should not be.  My friend continued:

You know i'm a hopeless romantic...one of my biggest dreams is to fall in love and have a family--I think about it all the time.  But lately, I've been like, yes--love is the most important thing in this world.  But there are SO many types of love.  With friends, family, place, books, whatever.  And I just want to fill my life with those types of loves and focus on those kinds of love more, you know?

Ah, how could I have been so preoccupied with a single type of love that I neglected to notice all of the other forms of it that constantly flow through this world?  There's love for music, for writing, for working out, for Christmas lights; love for family and friends and places and things; love for rainy days and big sweaters and--perhaps most importantly (but not selfishly), love for yourself.

There are so many ways to find love or build love or embody love--so many loves to focus on.  And maybe this time is about doing just that:  focusing on the loves that are not romantic, but life-giving (and life-changing) nonetheless.  

So, here's my list on How to Find Love, so far:
- pause to admire beautiful things
- walk ten minutes out of your way in the freezing cold to look at christmas lights
- let yourself skip a work out just once in order to drink wine and eat cheese crackers (and maybe a chocolate or two) instead
- read a book that makes you laugh, yet still carries a deeper meaning
- treat yourself to a manicure, and say yes to the champagne when they offer you a glass
- listen to the new Taylor Swift album on repeat (and watch the Blank Space video too many times)
- splurge on the new clothes--feeling flawless is worth it
- above all, figure out what it feels like when your heart is overflowing with joy.  And don't settle for anything--or anyone--that brings you less.  Life is short, friends, and anything less than pure joy simply will not do.

charlottesville girls' weekend

You know what's really weird?

Making a travel post about a place where you used to live, that's what.  

I realize I haven't posted in forever, but I have a new goal to start writing more.  I miss it, and finally feel that my creative energies are coming back to me after being drained by 16 years of school.  While this won't be a writing-intensive post, there will be fun pictures of the most beautiful place in the world (okay that's maybe an exaggeration...but Charlottesville really is so beautiful in the fall).  A couple weekends ago (almost a month now...woah), I got to take a little girls' getaway trip for some wine tasting and relaxation in Cville.  Favorite place, favorite people...perfection.

We ate a lot of delicious food...

And we did a little bit of apple picking (and more eating there)...

And then did a lot of wine drinking...

We have all been friends for the longest time--the mothers are all friends and the daughters are all friends...and now I am so blessed by the fact that the mothers and the daughters are all friends together.  It has been so cool to watch that transformation over the past couple of years.  Basically, I am just ridiculously lucky to have these women in my life.

{Fun.Food.Festivities.}

The Pigeon Hole//Carter Mountain Orchard//Pippin Hill

Not pictured: Red Pump//Orzo//Bluegrass Grill//Threepenny Cafe//World of Beer

my d.c. || the magic of beginnings

Well, here I am--nearly a month down in my new city.  It has truly flown by...life in the real world goes by so quickly!  Of course, once the adjustment phase is over I am sure it will slow down a bit.  But for now, I feel like life is still quite a whirlwind.  

I am absolutely loving it, though it hasn't necessarily been easy. 

The first week of work got off to quite the interesting start, to be sure--something to do with my inability to cooperate with Google maps in addition to the city heat and humidity.  I learned that the Starbucks bathroom hand dryer is a fantastic tool for drying any clothes that you may have sweat through while attempting to navigate the streets of a new city on the way to your first day of work.

But the week got better as it went on.  There were happy hours and time to get to know my new colleagues.  I went to Starbucks every morning that week to drink my iced coffee and work on a Sudoku puzzle.

And that Thursday, I walked past a man playing guitar on the sidewalk as soon as I got off the metro.  It just so happens that he started playing "Sweet Caroline" right as I walked past.  Oh, how I wish I had had some cash on me to give him a dollar just for making my day.

Or maybe for making my week, for that matter.  Because right then and there, I decided that I am going to like--no, love--this phase of life a lot.  Stressful and new as it may be, it is also incredibly exciting and challenging (in the best way) and there is so much for me to look forward to.

The past few weeks have not fallen short of the promises that a new city makes you.  I saw a quote right before I moved:

"And suddenly, you just know it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."

-Meister Eckhart

And what a magical beginning it has been.

my d.c. || not in kansas anymore

Well, I have officially settled into D.C. and started the long process of making it my own.  I moved up last Wednesday night and wasted no time--that evening brought a tour of the Washington Monument (the inside!!) and some dusk wandering around the city (the best time for wandering, no?).  I've shopped, eaten at good restaurants, practiced life with a puppy (meet Addy, my roommate's pup), and started my real person job.  

Overall, I think things are going pretty well.  Here's to #CMCinDC!

{Fun.Food.Festivities.}

Northside Social//CIRCA//Union Pub//Tony & Joe's Seafood

for my future self

I recently saw a quote on Pinterest that said, 

"Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed."

While this may be true in many cases and I certainly hope that my life will only get better from here,

I need my future self to know that, when I get nostalgic over my time at UVA....

it really, really was that good.